Here's Wallace:
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Here's Satan...um, I mean Maggie:
I can prove that Maggie is Satan.
About a month ago, I was at the studio with MikeDot when my cell phone began ringing over and over. It was the 27 year old (then 26), telling me to get home. It seems that the dogs had gotten into the box of heartworm medicine and eaten over a year's worth of doses. The medicine comes in a meaty treat that Maggie adores and the carpet was covered with empty foil wrappers. So, we called the animal poison hotline and they advised us that we shold induce vomiting in both dogs to be certain that there were no adverse effects.
It turns out that the way to induce vomiting in dogs is to feed them bread and peanut butter and then give them a shot of hydrogen peroxide. The hydrogen peroxide foams up in their little peanut butter-laden stomachs and VOILA! After loading down their beagle bellies with Wonder and Skippy, we positioned ourselves close to the door, delivered the dose of peroxide and rushed to the street.
Wallace, as usual, obliged almost instantly. He covered the corner of West 12th and Washington with puke and then looked up with pleading eyes. We felt horribly guilty because the contents of his stomach turned out to be only bread and peanut butter - he hadn't eaten any of the medicine.
The Iron Bitch, on the other hand, would not be broken. Per the doctor's instructions, we ran her around the neighborhood to jiggle her stomach, but she just looked at us with cool determination. We dosed her again with peroxide, but she would not budge. At one point, she stopped at a corner and it looked like our wait was over. Instead of puking her guts out, however, she hunched into turtle position and emitted a Super-Soaker-like spray of watery crap. There was so much pressure that we could actually hear a "whoosh" as she painted the lamp post.
Despite this Satanic crap, still no vomiting. After a third dose of peroxide, we decided to go back to the apartment and give her more bread and peanut butter. When we got upstairs, Maggie made a bee-line for the persian rug and immediately released the contents of her stomach in a torrent of peroxide, peanut butter, bread and nearly two years' worth of Heartguard.
That dog is Satan.
8 comments:
Truer words have ne'er been uttered. That dog is the DEVIL.
Hi Andrea
Perhaps you should put the Heartguard in a cabinet or drawer.
Of course, if Maggie is the AntiChrist, I don't supposed that would do much.
What's scary is that they WERE in a drawer. She climbed up on the kitchen counter and got into it.
She's a smart demon.
Like I said, drawers mean nothing to the DARK LORD.
If Maggie were Satan, she wouldn't need peanut butter to puke on the rug. She'd just do it.
I think she just likes peanut butter and knows how to get it. Peanut butter, after all, is delicious.
I did wake up one morning to find "Praise Satan, King of Suck" spelled out in pig's ears on the floor.
Sorry, that was me Dave....
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