The Season of Giving

The Misanthrope was awakened at 6:00 A.M. this morning by the frantic barking of the WMDs. The WMDs do have a tendency to sound the alarm at any disturbance, from talking in the hallway to sunspots, but they typically settle down after a bark or two. This morning they would not shut up. I was getting ready to check the window for signs of an alien landing (because movies have taught us that this is the most likely reason for incessant barking), when I realized that the front doorbell was ringing.

When I looked through the peephole, I saw an attractive girl with brown hair. She couldn't have been more than 25. My first thought, of course, was that word of the Misanthrope's new single status had finally gotten out. This kind of thing has happened to me before.

When I opened the door, the girl said in a very quiet voice, "Hi, I'm here with Kristen Cavalier and MTV and we're doing some carolling because of the spirit of the season."

As we all know, the Misantrhope does not have cable and MTV has sucked since about 1992. I thought that there might be some new prank show called "Chris 'n' Cavalier." I told her that I didn't know what she was talking about. She then asked if "Kristen Cavalier" had called me. I said no. She said that Kristen was one of the richest women in Laguna Beach, California and she was supposed to call me. I told her that my name happens to be Cavalier, but I don't know of any Kristens in the family.

At this point, I was beginning to get worried that she was disoriented or in trouble, but she didn't seem drunk or stoned except for the weird story about going carolling at Gristedes at 6:00 AM for MTV because of the "spirit of giving."

When she mentioned the "spirit of giving" for the tenth time, I was beginning to wonder if she was a hooker sent by one of my friends as a joke.

Anyway, I asked her if there was somebody I could call for her because the most likely explanation seemed to be that somebody had slipped her something and she was wandering around confused. She said no and then told me that she lived "three floors up on Jane Street."

Then she asked me if I was Italian. When I said no, she looked disappointed and said "Oh." Still, she kept standing there without turning to leave. I asked her again if she needed me to call somebody, but she repeated that she lived three floors up and, finally, turned to leave.

It was then that I realized she was wearing a red and green elf costume under her black jacket.